Even though The Oscars passed without too much fuss this year, I still feel the need to produce my annual round-up of the event.
* Firstly - the red carpet arrivals.
Didn't watch them.
I turned on the tv, and there was Richard Wilkins once again, throwing himself in the way of oncoming stars.
I had to turn him off.
The Horrible Wilkinsssss. I Hatesss Him (he even makes me start talking like Gollum).
* The actresses all looked perfectly elegant, though sexless. All very stylish and faultless.
Apart from Salma Hayek's enthusiastic chest, there was nothing exciting going on.
Even Drew Barrymore was dressed demurely. In fact, she was done up to look a lot like a widowed grandma, all neat hair and sombre black dress.
Obviously, being Drew, she was still a very hot widowed grandma.
Even Barbra Streisand dressed sensibly. It would have been a lot more fun if someone had've talked her into wearing something ridiculous from the 60's. That would have livened things up.
Amongst the men, Johnny Depp and Prince were good enough to wear blue. And Prince wore a lot of other stuff on his face. He seems to like cake make-up.
* The main awards went to likeable winners.
At last Cate Blanchett got a little gold man. Bitchin'. And she got to use the word 'cheesy' in her speech, which is a nicely non-american word.
The other winners were all fine. I liked seeing Morgan Freeman sitting in his seat grasping his man tightly.
I felt sorry for certain losers - Johnny Depp, Martin Scorcese and Imelda Staunton. They got nothing while Hilary Swank and Clint Eastwood got seconds. Poor Johnny.
But wait a minute, I wasn't so sure about Jamie Foxx. What's with the almost breaking down in tears thing, trying so hard to get the words out while telling an overly sentimental story, choking on his words, his head in his hands, then looking up out of the corner of his eye to check how many seconds he has left, so he can finish up his speech perfectly? Reminded me a bit of Shirley Temple, who could call up theatrical tears instantaneously. I am quite sure he did the same thing at the Golden Globes. I guess if he's faking it doesn't matter, as his award was for acting, not honesty.
* The 5 nominated songs were unimpressive, especially the 3 dreary songs that Beyonce sang, which were utterly deadly. I like my Beyonce, but those songs stank. Thankfully none of them won!
* Mickey Rooney, or someone very much like him, is still alive! He was sitting behind many younger and taller folks (which was pretty much everyone). The woman next to him seemed to be helpfully pointing out stuff that was happening up on stage. Being so small and elderly, he probably just took her word for it, but he seemed happy to be there.
* Robin Williams made some amusing jokes about the recent fuss over Spongebob Squarepants' questionable sexuality. When he came on stage he ripped a piece of tape from his mouth. He did this because the jokes were originally part of a gospel song that he was going to perform as a preacher, with the orchestra's help. But the network said this would be too offensive and rude and vetoed it :-(
* For some of the smaller awards, they handed them out to the winners in their seats. Very lucky-door prize-ish. Hopefully they won't do it next year. I'd love to see them try getting away with that for the bigger awards. I don't think Jack Nicholson or Julia Roberts would appreciate getting their pressie in their seat and not having their big moment on stage.
* Overall, the whole thing was reasonably good, and the winners were mostly well chosen, but nothing at all exciting happened (oh, except for the Cate thing, which cheered me lots).
Nobody got booed, or streaked across the stage (yes, it happened once), or refused to accept their award, or got lost on their way to the stage.
Maybe next year.