Tuesday, May 27, 2003

Okay, I have to have one final full-on spit about Matrix Reloaded. To get
it all out.

I am going to go a bit overboard with it, so I apologise once again if you
ain't interested in my rants. Just delete this if that's case.


*** Firstly, why I need to have this spit.
* Nobody I know of approves of Matrix 2.
* Despite the above fact, it has made $200US million at the american
box-office already! Garbage has won the box office battle, this time.
* This lousy film was expensive. They've spent over $300US million on
Matrix 2 and 3.
* The film critics were far too easy on this film. The trashy film critics
(with Hollywood stars in their eyes) said it'd be fantastic. The serious
film critics said "not as good as the first film/great special effects/the
fans will like it". But the fans DON'T like it. Serious film critics
should never be trusted when reviewing sci-fi/action films.
* I don't have the Wachowski brothers' email address, so I can't write to
them to give them scriptwriting tips, or to ask for my money back.

*** Secondly, my best guess as to why things went wrong.
The Matrix was a huge hit. A good action film with nifty gimmicks: cool &
stylish heroes; original special effects; effective action scenes; paranoid
futuristic plot (which was nicely timed for the end of the millenium).
Everyone told the Wachowski brothers that they were super imaginative guys
who could do anything. So they got bigger budgets and thought that if
people liked the gimmicks of Matrix 1, then they'd surely have even bigger
success multiplying those gimmicks by 3 for the next films. Bigger special
effects! Cooler heros! More techno-pyscho-babble dialogue!
But they failed to remember that the Matrix was basically a sci-fi/action
film with fancy trimmings, which needed a workable sci-fi/action film plot,
and appropriate sci-fi/action film dialogue.
They got their minds stuck on the trimmings.

*** Thirdly, my main gripes.
* The love affair!? Keanu & Carrie have three main scenes together.
1) Carrie and Keanu have sex - they're naked and he has a pained look on his
face, so I guess that's sex. But it doesn't show them being in love.
They're just two thin people who have slightly uncomfortable sex.
2) A strange & beautiful woman tells Keanu she'll give him some help (which
will enable him to save the human race) if he kisses her. Seems a pretty
good deal to me. But not to Carrie. She pulls a gun on the woman. This
gets a laugh from the audience, which would make the Wachowski's happy, but
it turns Carrie's character from a tough action heroine (in Matrix 1) into a
jealous psycho bitch. Not looking good.
3) At the end, Keanu has to chose between saving the world and saving
Carrie. He goes for Carrie. Why? I have no idea! If he saves Carrie,
then she'll die anyway when they all die. And she's such a cold & inhuman
piece of work, it's unbelievable that Keanu could actual be in LOVE with
her. Lust yes, love no.
Romances don't have to be very deep in sci-fi/action films, but there needs
to be at least a little spark there. Most effecient example I can think of:
The Empire Strikes Back. Han Solo is about to be frozen by baddies. Leia
says "I love you!". There's a pause. Han is about to get the freeze, and
may never breath again. Han looks at Leia as he gets the freeze and says "I
know". Cue dramatic & emotional musical climax!

* The action scenes.
How can such expensive action scenes be so BORING!?
1) The first scene has Keanu against 100 Hugo Weavings. Keanu is close to
invincible, since the normal laws of physics don't affect him. And Hugo's
character can replicate himself endlessly. The scene goes on forever.
Hugos are thrown everywhere. But nobody gets as much as a scratch. There
is no point to this fight! Nobody is going to get hurt. Since there is no
tension, the mind wanders, and you notice that some of the Hugos in the shot
you're watching are obviously unconvincing computer graphics, while in the
next scene they are extras wearing Hugo faces (or maybe their faces were
digitally altered - I guess the dvd will explain).
2) The second fight pits Keanu against a stranger. When the fight is over
the stranger turns out to be a friend. He explains why he fought Keanu.
Apparently 'You don't fully know someone until you fight them'.
So now there have been two fights and all they've done is show that there is
no point to these people fighing. None whatsoever! The audience is not
exactly going to be waiting breathlessly for the next exciting showdown!
3) Then Keanu fights off a number of people and yes he gets a scratch, to
show he's still human. However, one scratch does not lead to dramatic
4) It ends with the car chase, by which time I was craving for it to be over
fast, which it wasn't. There is lots of destruction, but none of it
thrilling. I read that the car chase scene cost $40US million. They had to
build the road it was shot on, which went for a mile & a half. The cheap
cheap Mad Max II was much more exciting.

And finally.
* Laurence Fishbourne was embarrassing. I so wanted his character to die a
tragic death, just so he'd shut up.
* The hippy humans living underground & dancing in a big cave were like from
some cheap 70's sci-fi flick (though I usually quite enjoy cheap 70's sci-fi
* Each time they used some of that fancy slow-motion, I sighed. I wanted
everything to go in fast motion instead. Anything to get through the film
more quickly! Please!
* Every shot looked so damn expensive. And when a film is this
dissappointing, it hurts.

The next time Hollywood has a spare $300 million, please please please can
they give it to me!!

The only possible bright spot: if Matrix 3 is very very very brilliant, it
might partly make up for this one. Maybe the studio should consider taking
it out of the Wachowski's hands before they make another shit-fest?

Am done now.

PS. If anyone knows the Wachowski's email address, please forward this on
to them. Thanks.
PPS. To make up for this shit film, I watched Thunderball on tv on the
weekend. So nice to see classy dialogue. You only have to wait 15 minutes
into the film before you get a busty blonde procliaming "Behave yourself, Mr
Bond!". Love it.

Eurovision 2003

I had a good old fun time with Eurovision this year.

I actually quite liked the song from Belguim. Was not very Eurovisionish.
Was hoping it'd get first. Was on the edge of my couch during the voting.
Was okay to settle for 2nd.

And Turkey's winning song was okay. Sounded like a Holly Valance song. Or
rather, there's a Holly Valance song that sounds just like Turkey's song.
And I always approve of good belly-dancing.

t.A.t.U.'s song was so shit. Each time they hit that high note (or high
notes, since they definitely weren't singing in tune) was painful.

I even enjoyed a couple of those cheesy pop tunes with those big voiced

Did not approve of the songs with silly titles, like "NaNaNa". And there
was that freaky happy song which I couldn't quite catch... were they singing
"Let's be happy and let's be friends" or was it "Let's be happy and le'ts be
gay" (as in 'happy' not 'homo', I think)? My 6 year old niece would
probably find it catchy.

Was funny seeing England get no votes.
I asked Tino if he watched it and he didn't even know it was on. So it
can't be too big of an event for Italy!
I think it is probably biggest in smaller countries (like little Latvia).
They can put in a crappy pop song and beat the rest of Europe. I'm sure it
makes them feel big and strong when they beat Germany and France and
England. There was probably lots of Latvian sex going on the night they won
in 2002. 9 months later - hundreds of Eurovision babies!
It appears to me, that the larger countries like England and Italy, well
they just can't be stuffed, and they're probably embarassed by the fuss the
little nations go to over it.

Well, that's my theory, and since there is nobody here at Global Gossip to
challenge me, I'm sticking to it.
2003 - Brisbane

Friday, May 02, 2003

Worst 100 Films

I just found something cool.
The bottom 100 movies on the IMB (Internet Movie Database) website.
These films got the lowest ratings from visitors on that site.
There's lots of Police Academy films. And some people pop up more than once:
Bo Derek, Ed Wood Jr, John Travolta, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Arnold
Schwarzenegger etc
I've been 'lucky' enough to see a dozen or so.
Some I've enjoyed, like Glen or Glenda, and Plan 9 From Outer Space.
Some have appalled me - I'm thinking of Problem Child 2.
And there's one that I thought didn't deserve to get on this list - the
Spice World movie, which was silly, but cute.
Then there's some that seem to be missing - where are Showgirls and

If you saw any of these films and liked them, I think you should fess up.
Anyone a fan of Porky's Revenge or Weekend At Bernie's II?


1 Manos, the Hands of Fate (1966) ***Have no idea what this is, but it must
be impressive.***
2 Backyard Dogs (2000)
3 Space Mutiny (1988)
4 Hobgoblins (1987)
5 Future War (1995)
6 Troll 2 (1990)
7 Santa with Muscles (1996)
8 Werewolf (1996)
9 Police Academy: Mission to Moscow (1994)
10 Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)
11 Glitter (2001) ***Saw this recently. Definitely deserves it's place on
this list.***
12 Leonard Part 6 (1987)
13 Kazaam (1996)
14 Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000 (2000) ***Have a strange
desire to see this one.***
15 Hercules in New York (1970)
16 Baby Geniuses (1999)
17 Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace (1996)
18 It's Pat (1994)
19 2001: A Space Travesty (2000)
20 Mitchell (1975)
21 Kangaroo Jack (2003) ***This made a little bit of money in the US, but
flopped in OZ. Got sh*t reviews.***
22 Bolero (1984)
23 Jaws: The Revenge (1987)
24 Smokey and the Bandit III (1983)
25 Cool as Ice (1991)
26 Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The (1994)
27 Police Academy 6: City Under Siege (1989)
28 Vercingétorix (2001)
29 Teen Wolf Too (1987)
30 Steel (1997)
31 Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach (1988)
32 Captain America (1991)
33 Mannequin: On the Move (1991)
34 Tarzan, the Ape Man (1981) ***I think I once watched 15 minutes of this
Bo Derek flick.***
35 Ringmaster (1998)
36 Rollerball (2002)
37 Problem Child 2 (1991) ***I saw this horrible 'comedy' on a double bill.
I sat through it as I wanted to see the second film, but I should have gone
home. I will never forget the sight of Jack Warden's bottom in close-up.***
38 Master of Disguise, The (2002)
39 Cop & 1/2 (1993)
40 Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie (1995)
41 Mr. Nanny (1993)
42 Spice World (1997) ***I think this is a bit harsh. I've some sympathy for
the spice chicks and their amusingly silly movie.***
43 Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997)
44 Street Fighter (1994) ***Didn't see this one: Jean-Claude Van Damme and
Kylie Minogue made this flick in QLD.***
45 Jaws 3-D (1983)
46 Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot (1992)
47 Crossroads (2002) ***Silly Britney Spears road-trip flick. She takes
along one tiny suitcase, but changes clothes in every scene.***
48 Ticker (2001)
49 Barb Wire (1996) ***Cade says this is a classic bad-movie. Cindy Crawford
as action heroine.***
50 Bats (1999/I)
51 Iron Eagle II (1988)
52 Glen or Glenda (1953) ***My favourite movie on this list. Tracy, you
have to watch it with me sometime.***
53 Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn, An (1997)
54 Mr. Magoo (1997)
55 RoboCop 3 (1993)
56 Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987) ***Superman III was lame, but
this was lamer.***
57 FearDotCom (2002)
58 Universal Soldier: The Return (1999)
59 Friday the 13th: A New Beginning (1985)
60 Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol (1987)
61 Best Defense (1984)
62 Grease 2 (1982)
63 Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997)
64 Highlander II: The Quickening (1991)
65 Mr. Wrong (1996)
66 Plan 9 from Outer Space (1959) ***This is pretty good. If this film only
got 66th worst movie it's doing better than usual.***
67 Jury Duty (1995)
68 Exorcist II: The Heretic (1977)
69 Avengers, The (1998) ***Didn't think this was terrible, just not
particularly good.***
70 Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982)
71 Omega Code, The (1999)
72 Pokémon the First Movie: Mewtwo Strikes Back (1999)
73 Freddy Got Fingered (2001) ***Saw the promo for this in the cinemas - the
most unfunny ad for a comedy I can remember seeing.***
74 Weekend at Bernie's II (1993)
75 Caddyshack II (1988)
76 Super Mario Bros. (1993)
77 Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)
78 Allan Quatermain and the Lost City of Gold (1987)
79 Dudley Do-Right (1999)
80 Endless Love (1981) ***Good to see a movie on this list that had Tom
Cruise in it.***
81 Nothing But Trouble (1991)
82 McHale's Navy (1997)
83 Pet Sematary II (1992)
84 Stupids, The (1996)
85 Leprechaun (1993)
86 Gone Fishin' (1997)
87 Arthur 2: On the Rocks (1988)
88 Soul Survivors (2001)
89 Batman & Robin (1997) ***I think this is a deserving place for this
90 Bio-Dome (1996)
91 Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band (1978)
92 Poltergeist III (1988)
93 Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (2002)
94 Suburban Commando (1991)
95 Porky's Revenge (1985)
96 On Deadly Ground (1994)
97 Child's Play 3 (1991)
98 Look Who's Talking Now (1993)
99 Species II (1998)
100 Clifford (1994)