My script for Bette Davis' return to the screen.

Here's my plot for a new Bette Davis film (we'll have to resurrect her somehow), inspired by a friend's comment about Ms Schappelle Corby looking like Bette Davis when she was on the witness stand.
*** Our setting is somewhere unspecified in south-east asia. That really has no effect on the plot, but allows the film to have a more colourful atmosphere, which Bette Davis used to like. If you were in a film set in an exotic foreign land, you got to work with fancy sets and costumes, which also probably meant a bigger budget. Of course, we're filming in black and white.
See, she's been found unconscious, bruised, and battered at the scene of the crime, along with a mysterious man, with illegal drugs littered all over the place. She's been found there by the authorities and soon wakes up. Meanwhile, the man remains in a coma.
A handsome eurasian lawyer defends Bette and starts falling for her. Bette likes him well enough but says no, she can't return his affections, despite the fact that she's started to feel close to him. In a long and gruelling court case Bette defends herself against the crime, but in a surprise twist she confesses fully - that she was indeed the drug smuggler who was doing a deal with vicious drug-smuggling thugs - a deal that went horribly wrong!
She explains that the unconscious man was her lover. He was a reformed criminal.
An old associate of his had threatened his life, and demanded he do one last drug deal. He said no, as he'd found love with Bette. The associate threatened to kill him. He still said no, because Bette's love and respect was now more important to him than life itself. Bette found out and decided to do the deal herself to save her man from death!!!! All is commotion!
She reveals (through a number of flashbacks) that he was the first man who had truly shown her what love was, as her husband (oh yes, she was already married to another) was a scoundrel (even though he had seemed like an angel when they were first married). The unconscious man was only the second man she'd ever been with.
Bette is found guilty and given the death penalty. At this she almost faints, but manages to pull herself together - she's determined to not display any weakness before the court! She's prepared to meet her fate as bravely as she can.
Meanwhile, in a hospital in a town far away, the unconscious man awakens! His first action is to ask about Bette. When they tell him she's due to be executed this very hour he says no, no, how can that be? He was the one who had weakened and returned to his drug dealing ways, just to get some money together so he could give his beloved Bette the good life she used to have with her husband. They can't do this to her! Surely they could have seen that she was only trying to protect the life of her beloved when she'd confessed to the crime!
But no!
IT'S TOO LATE!
The gallows door is released and bye bye Bette!
THE END

Please come play for me.

After my last list, which was quite negative, I'd like to ask the following artists to come to Sydney for reasonably-priced concerts, in small theatres so I don't have to squint to see you, so I can see you before I die (which hopefully won't be anytime soon, so you've got a bit of time - just don't take too long). Some of you have already been here, but I didn't get to see you, which, I know, is my fault, not yours, but still it'd be nice if you did me a favour and came back again.
Pretty please.

Cake, Erykah Badu, Joss Stone, David Bowie, Jewel, Angie Stone, Macy Gray, Harry Connick Jr, Chris Isaak (you always come to Sydney but your concerts sell out too quickly - please, more concerts!), Aimee Mann, Bjork, and Yo La Tengo.

Sydney's really nice, you'll like it.
I can buy you lunch.

People who bug me and should go away.

Time for a list.

Of people I'll never meet in person but who still manage to piss me off.

Of course, we can start with Mr Howard and Mr Bush Jr. Who are turkeys.
And Tony Abbott. And Alan Jones and John Laws. And Kerry Packer and Rupert Murdoch (big raspberries to you!).
I would mention Fred Nile, but he seems to be a bit quiet these days.
Stinky Jennifer Lopez and Lisa Ho (for putting furs into their fashion parades).

So how about the so-called 'entertainment' industry?
Ooo yes, there's lots of annoying people there.
And not just my old enemy Richard Wilkins!
There's also Hilary Duff and Eddie Mcguire. Val Kilmer and Fiona Robson. Britney Spears (especially when she stuffs up covers of other people's songs). The guy who hosts Video Hits on weekend mornings (he should be stopped from trying to sing jazz ever again). People in Hollywood who trash world history with astoundingly stupid movies like Alexander and The Last Samurai. Fox tv for releasing the first 4 series of Futurama on dvd but not the final 5th series - they should pull their finger out! Leyton Hewitt and Bec Cartwright, who can't seem to keep their unremarkable love life out of our collective faces. And finally, the managers at Broadway Shopping Centre for allowing in all of those annoying people who walk up to you wanting to get you to sign up for stuff when all you want to do is go to the movies.
Oh yes, and Oprah Winfrey, whose fawning interviews with other celebrities are total puke.

In order to not be completely negative, Cate Blanchett is a god.

R.E.M. in Sydney

Saw R.E.M. perform at the Entertainment Centre last Thursday night.
Well, should I talk about them, or me?
Firstly, me.
I did the right thing and bought the t-shirt. My seat sucked unfortunately. I was in the fourth last row, which was kind of the last row since the last 3 rows were empty. So Michael looked very small and the sound was muted, like I was listening to loud music being played by the neighbours. :-( Next time they're here I'll have to get in early and get a better seat dammit
Anyways, they were still good value.
Michael wore a pretty dark blue stripe painted across his face. They played long and hard, getting through lots of their songs. Indeed, I was impressed by their solid work ethic.
What can I definitely remember them playing? There was at least 1 old song and 1 new song I hadn't heard before. They played Electrolite; Animal; Losing My Religion; Leaving New York; Electron Blue; Imitation Of Life; I Wanted To Be Wrong; Man On The Moon; The Great Beyond and others. They also did a nice performance of Happy Birthday for one of their crew.
Two songs that worked really well live were Orange Crush (I can't remember it well enough to say if it sounded better than the original, but it was definitely very effectively played and I can say I enjoyed it more than the album version), and Everybody Hurts, which was beautiful and touching and had a good part of the audience joining in in the singing.
Am very pleased I finally got to see them live. Hopefully they'll return sometime and I can make sure I get a better seat!

"We'd like to talk to you about the Bible..."

It's my second day home with a cold, and nobody has come to talk to me :-(
It was different yesterday, when two young ladies knocked on the door and said they wanted to chat to me about the Bible. I declinded their offer, but liked the suggestion. It would really pick my day up today if two young ladies or gentlemen came around and offered to talk about Chuck Palahniuk's novels. That would be really great. Or even if they just wanted to talk about The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
Why is it that when strange people come to your house they only ever want to talk about the Bible or some little leaflet they've got with them? Don't they read anything else? If they'd ever read Candide - well there's a good conversation starter, surely. Maybe for once they could ask the householder if there's a book they'd like to talk about?

Oscar 2005

Even though The Oscars passed without too much fuss this year, I still feel the need to produce my annual round-up of the event.
* Firstly - the red carpet arrivals.
Didn't watch them.
I turned on the tv, and there was Richard Wilkins once again, throwing himself in the way of oncoming stars.
I had to turn him off.
The Horrible Wilkinsssss. I Hatesss Him (he even makes me start talking like Gollum).
* The actresses all looked perfectly elegant, though sexless. All very stylish and faultless.
Apart from Salma Hayek's enthusiastic chest, there was nothing exciting going on.
Even Drew Barrymore was dressed demurely. In fact, she was done up to look a lot like a widowed grandma, all neat hair and sombre black dress.
Obviously, being Drew, she was still a very hot widowed grandma.
Even Barbra Streisand dressed sensibly. It would have been a lot more fun if someone had've talked her into wearing something ridiculous from the 60's. That would have livened things up.
Amongst the men, Johnny Depp and Prince were good enough to wear blue. And Prince wore a lot of other stuff on his face. He seems to like cake make-up.
* The main awards went to likeable winners.
At last Cate Blanchett got a little gold man. Bitchin'. And she got to use the word 'cheesy' in her speech, which is a nicely non-american word.
The other winners were all fine. I liked seeing Morgan Freeman sitting in his seat grasping his man tightly.
I felt sorry for certain losers - Johnny Depp, Martin Scorcese and Imelda Staunton. They got nothing while Hilary Swank and Clint Eastwood got seconds. Poor Johnny.
But wait a minute, I wasn't so sure about Jamie Foxx. What's with the almost breaking down in tears thing, trying so hard to get the words out while telling an overly sentimental story, choking on his words, his head in his hands, then looking up out of the corner of his eye to check how many seconds he has left, so he can finish up his speech perfectly? Reminded me a bit of Shirley Temple, who could call up theatrical tears instantaneously. I am quite sure he did the same thing at the Golden Globes. I guess if he's faking it doesn't matter, as his award was for acting, not honesty.
* The 5 nominated songs were unimpressive, especially the 3 dreary songs that Beyonce sang, which were utterly deadly. I like my Beyonce, but those songs stank. Thankfully none of them won!
* Mickey Rooney, or someone very much like him, is still alive! He was sitting behind many younger and taller folks (which was pretty much everyone). The woman next to him seemed to be helpfully pointing out stuff that was happening up on stage. Being so small and elderly, he probably just took her word for it, but he seemed happy to be there.
* Robin Williams made some amusing jokes about the recent fuss over Spongebob Squarepants' questionable sexuality. When he came on stage he ripped a piece of tape from his mouth. He did this because the jokes were originally part of a gospel song that he was going to perform as a preacher, with the orchestra's help. But the network said this would be too offensive and rude and vetoed it :-(
* For some of the smaller awards, they handed them out to the winners in their seats. Very lucky-door prize-ish. Hopefully they won't do it next year. I'd love to see them try getting away with that for the bigger awards. I don't think Jack Nicholson or Julia Roberts would appreciate getting their pressie in their seat and not having their big moment on stage.
* Overall, the whole thing was reasonably good, and the winners were mostly well chosen, but nothing at all exciting happened (oh, except for the Cate thing, which cheered me lots).
Nobody got booed, or streaked across the stage (yes, it happened once), or refused to accept their award, or got lost on their way to the stage.
Maybe next year.